Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Meth Queen

This Friday (March 30), I’m having diagnostic surgery. I’ve never had surgery or general anesthesia before, so pre-op was something of a “surprise.”

A better word might be shock. Don’t get me wrong. I have great love for modern medicine—the idea of blood letting is abhorrent to me. But when the intake administrator started “informing me about the procedure” and threw around words like resection and catheter, it sounds more like a medieval trial-by-ordeal.

As if anxiety by threat wasn’t enough, she told me that the nurse would take several vials of blood and asked to see my arm. I held it out. Her eyes went sparkly. She said, “Ooo, you have juicy veins. I’m going to do the blood draw.” I swallowed. Clearly, this woman had seen Twilight way too many times. Thankfully, the nurse in the room next door yelled, “I’m doing that blood draw.” Vampire admin chick yelled back. “But—” The nurse stuck her head into the room and said, “She’s mine.”

Having lost her venapuncture dominance, the admin started the pre-surgical questionnaire. “Have you ever had surgery before?” I said, “No.” Easy and simple. Of course, eight pages later my eyes were glazed. But we’d only just come to the interesting part. She focused on what non-foods I ingest. Medications, etc. It got a little old. One thing after another. My answers were “No, no, no...”  She scowled. Apparently, I was boring. And then she got a twinkle in her eyes. “What about herbs?”
Me: No.
Her: You don’t take chamomile?
Me: No.
Her: What about vitamins?
Me: Nope.
Her with accusation in her tone: You don’t take a multi-vitamin every morning?
Me: No.
She looked at Calvin, who shrugged and said, “No, she really doesn’t take anything.”
She sighed. “Okay.”
Then she giggled. “What about street drugs? Do you take any of those?”
I rolled my eyes. She and Calvin burst out laughing. Then they made jokes about me running a meth lab in my kitchen.

I survived the pre-op though I’m sure I’m known in the hospital as the Meth Queen. Then the other day, a post-it note showed up on my bathroom mirror reminding me “No meth before surgery.” Calvin has a bizarre sense of humor, but it makes me smile every time I see it.


  1. I always tell my patients "no meth before surgery." Didn't you know that was common practice?

    I hope it goes well and very smoothly. Hugs!

  2. Too funny. I hope your initiation into surgery goes really really well. There's only one thing I like about having surgery ... that heated blanket they put on you when you're coming out of the anesthetic. Heavenly. (I used to freeze my patootie off.)

    Good luck!

  3. A *twinkle* in her eye, eh? That's too funny, Connie!

    So you're a straight arrow kinda girl.I don't suppose they asked to see those heroin tracks between your toes. Jeez. Sounds like The Inquisition! Good new is, I guess, nurse #2 gave in and there wasn't any bloody warfare.

    My one and only surgery was to remove my gallbladder. Now it doesn't hurt.. cause it's not there anymore! *g*

    ((Gentle Hug)) to you after your thingie. Hoping for the best, and a nice nap after.

  4. LOL, I love the post-it reminder! Good luck with your surgery Friday!

  5. I'll do double praying for you on Friday. Surgery must be the in thing in the family. Jini is having shoulder surgery next Tuesday. She hasn't had much hospital experience and she hates needles, but she got through her pre-op.

    Praying that all goes well for both of you...and try to stay off the meth~

  6. Good luck! Thinking of you.

    I don't take vitamins either. I try to eat well. Hopefully it's enough.

  7. I think I had the endocrinologist (blood doctor?) tell me that taking artificial vitamins didn't nearly give you as much benefit as the real thing and so that it was sort of pointless.

  8. I hope that your surgery goes well.