The Voices

Okay, this blog post is late. I always try to have blog posts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But if I can get this posted in the next few hours, then technically I’ve held up my end of the bargain with you, my readers.

But here’s the issue, I can’t think of anything to blog about so I’m going to tell you about my morning incident. This morning, I heard voices and thought it was my alarm clock. I got up and went to turn off the alarm and discovered that it was 4 am. My alarm clock hadn’t gone off. I decided that I must have imagined it—I have really weird sleep/wake issues and have been known to sleepwalk or wander the house “looking for the source of the beautiful music,” which exists only in my mind. I didn’t mention the voices/alarm fiasco to Calvin until tonight.

Me: I’m tired because, uh, I thought the alarm went off this morning…but then it wasn’t the alarm. But I thought it was because I heard people talking.

Cal said: Oh, yeah, the voices.

I said: You mean you’ve heard them too, or are you teasing me?

Cal: No. Sometimes they wake me too.

Imagine me scowling: You hear voices at night?! (I suspect he’s getting me back for the numerous times over the past 21 years that I’ve shaken him awake saying, “The police are banging on the door. Go downstairs and talk to them.”)

Cal: The voices wake me up a lot.

Me, scowling harder: I’ve only been woken up once.

Cal: It’s the HEPA filter. (We run a HEPA air purifier in our bedroom because I’m such a light sleeper that the only way I can sleep for more than an hour at a time is with the HEPA running full blast. I blame this weakness on Matthew—sorry, Matt—and his inability to sleep more than a couple of hours at night for the first seven years of his life.)

Me: What?!

Cal: For some bizarre reason the HEPA filter picks up radio waves.

Me (Even though I have experienced this bizarre phenomena, I still can’t believe he’s experienced it too): You’re totally serious and you think it’s the HEPA?!?

Cal: Yep.

Me: I’m going to ask Larry. (Larry is Dr. Mehne, a chemistry professor and my final source of all science, bizarre and otherwise.)

Cal: Yeah, well, it is the HEPA.

Come back next week for “The Saga of the Magnetized HEPA filter, which redistributes radio waves” or “How Cal and Connie both lost touch with reality during the wee hours of the morning.”

I Know What You're Thinking

The other morning I was hurrying to get laundry started, the dishwasher running, put on makeup, etc., because I had errands to run with Luke and Ariel. Matthew and Jacob were going to be home alone.

In the midst of mascara and fabric softener (not at the same time), Matthew asked, “Is Real Lemon the same as lemon juice squeezed from a lemon?” To which I replied, “Yes.” After all, the chemical makeup is the same, the difference is in freshness.

After I applied lipstick, I realized this wasn’t a cooking question. So I tracked Matt down. “Matt,” I said, “you are NOT making a wet cell battery while I’m gone.” Matt frowned. “Why not?” (Why do kids ask these questions?! Do they seriously not know?!) I answered, “Because I don’t want you to.”

Later Ariel said, “Mom, how did you know what Matt was planning to do? Did he have his science book out?” I shook my head. “I’ve been Matt’s mom for all of his nearly thirteen years—I know what he’s thinking most of the time. That’s what being a mom is all about—you know when your child is considering creating electricity, or other dangerous things.” If moms didn’t…the earth would be far less populated.