Down the street from where we live is a house that’s for
sale. This is not an unusual occurrence. Houses go up for sale all the time.
However, this situation is different.
The house was declared “Unfit for Human Habitation” about a
year ago when the city pounded a notice on the front door. And the people
living there left. Then the notice was taken down. People moved into the house.
I assumed that the the house had been renovated/retrofitted—whatever
was wrong with the house had been fixed. I was wrong.
A few weeks later, the people were out. And the sign was
back up.
Then came the For Sale sign. As you can imagine, no
legitimate realtor has taken on this property. The house is For Sale by Owner. And
the UfHH sign was gone again. A few weeks later, the sign was back.
So now the house is for sale with a big UfHH sign on the
door—in fact, there are two signs now. Though I’m not sure why putting up two
signs makes the city think that the owner won’t tear them down. If you’re
ripping down one, doing two isn’t a big deal.
And while I have no idea what the property laws are, I’m
guessing that when someone buys a house, the fact that the house has been
condemned is somewhere in the deed of ownership.
In the meantime, I’ve imagined the owner and a potential
buyer dialoguing.
Buyer: So, uh, I saw your ad in the paper. It sounds like a
really great deal.
Owner: It’s great deal. You should buy it.
Buyer: I’m definitely interested. Can my wife and I get a
tour of the house?
Owner: This is such a hot property, it probably won’t be on
the market long enough for you to see the house.
Buyer: Oh. You know, my wife and I drove by the house. And
we noticed two signs on the door. They said, “Unfit for Human Habitation.”
Owner: Yeah, so I put those up to keep away thieves, gangs,
and drug dealers.
Buyer: But I did notice some dry rot and termite damage in
the eaves.
Owner: Right…I did that to set the scene.
Buyer: And the puddle around the foundation—that’s more of
the same?
Owner: Absolutely. So are you ready to make an offer?
Buyer: Caveat emptor. I think we’ll look elsewhere.
