The Deja Vu Blogfest (thanks to D.L. Hammons for organizing and planning the fest) is an opportunity to view some of the best blog posts of the past year that you may have missed. So after my post, please click on some of the links listed to read some great posts.
As I thought about what posts I've done over the past year, I decided to re-share an October post, "The Married Man's Guide to Women's Shoes." I hope you enjoy it.
The other Sunday morning, I was late. So I asked my husband to grab my black pumps. He came back with black sandals. I said, “No. Black pumps. Those are heeled sandals.” He went back to the closet and came back with another pair of shoes. I sighed. “Sweetie, those are mules. I need pumps.” Eventually, I found the pumps.
It occurred to me that if a man doesn’t even know what a shoe is called, then there is a whole world of shoe communication that he does not understand. So I’ve written a husband’s definitive (short) guide to women’s shoe types and what they mean. Here it is.
Pumps. A woman wears these with a suit. They have a heel and enclose most of the foot. (Though there are open-toed and sling-back versions, which have nuances of meaning. But that is beyond the scope of this quick reference guide.) When I wear them it means, I can pump my own gas, but if you want to do it that would be great because I don’t like smelling like gasoline.
Sandals. Strappy shoes that expose the toes. There are two main types.
One, the heeled party type. These mean I plan to have fun and am not opposed to drinking something with bubbles.
Two, the flat type. These mean Take Me To the Beach. Now.
Mules. Something you side your foot into. As in, I’m as tired as a pack-worn mule and can’t be bothered with fasteners. You should probably pour me a double strength espresso with a twist of lemon.
N.B. If they are Birkenstocks, it means I’m over forty and I’ve gone through a granola phase.
This should be nipped in the bud if it threatens to come back. Seriously, do you remember the tofu phase?
Kitten heels. Playful shoes with a tiny, thin heel. They mean I’m feeling girly and playful as a kitten. (Think Audrey Hepburn in How to Steal a Million.) They also mean, after the kids are in bed, I would totally be open to playing hide and seek with Nerf dart guns in the dark.
Sneakers. I can pump iron. I can run like the wind. Okay, maybe not. But I can
beat myself shadow boxing. And just so you know, it means we’re eating healthy tonight.
Stilettos. The name obviously comes from a type of spy knife. Think tall, thin high heel that could be used to stab someone. You think this means “sexy.” You are wrong. This shoe means I-am-feeling-so-confident-that-I-don’t-care-that-these-these-things-are-going-to-give-me-back-spasms-later-today. These shoes mean you will need to find a bottle of Aleve and a tube of muscle pain cream.
Slippers with wool socks. I need a nap, an intravenous drip of a caffeinated beverage, and/or a break from the children. Afterwards, a long, hot bubble bath.
Hopefully, this clears everything up.
Ladies, did I miss any?
Ladies, did I miss any?
Love this post, especially as my I decorate shoes for a living! Will point my husband in its direction :)xReplyDelete
"They also mean, after the kids are in bed, I would totally be open to playing hide and seek with Nerf dart guns in the dark."ReplyDelete
I LOVED this!! Entertained and educated all in the same post...who could ask for more. Thank you for taking part today. :)
ps. The C.M. threw me off. I was looking for Connie. Duh!
Glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne!
OK, I REALLY tried to catch all the subtle nuances in your post, but I'm afraid that all I can remember is something about, "black shoes".
But -- If you want to talk about all the myriad differences between a halfback option with pulling guards versus a bootleg zone-read option; or perhaps all the differences between a 1961 Stratocaster and a 1978 CBS-made Stratocaster; or maybe all the ways that Picard differed from ST:TOS Kirk or the rebooted JJ Abrams Kirk; or the many ways that an Allen wrench, monkey wrench, crescent wrench, socket wrench, and an open-end wrench differ? Well. I'd be glad to help you out. :)
Happy Deja Vu!
Uh, so yeah, I know that a Stratocaster is a guitar--courtesy of my favorite movie, Stranger Than Fiction. And that's about it.Delete
But I can totally discuss the nuances of Kirk vs. rebooted Kirk.
omg...hahaha. this is epic. The Birkenstocks explanation was perfection. To me, shoe language is as natural as breathing or the English language, and it always makes me laugh when men just don't know which is which. Perfect post for today and I'm glad you chose it because it made me laugh! :)ReplyDelete
Yeah, how do men miss this?Delete
So glad you enjoyed the post.
I fear I'm an unnatural female. I have no interest in shoes. For me, the absolute best part of being retired is wearing tennies every day. But I enjoyed your post.ReplyDelete
Glad you enjoyed it. I don't think you're unnatural. As I've gotten older, not having sore feet at the end of the day is getting more and more important. And honestly, in the summer, I'm a barefoot kind of girl.Delete
Hello from Deja Vu. I used to wear heels and stilettos more frequently when I was younger. Now that I'm older and embrace comfort now more than I did back then, if I were to put on stilettos, the event I'm going to better be worth it!ReplyDelete
A perfect list to give to your male person. I'm printing it out and posting it on fridge. Great to meet you here on the DejaVuReplyDelete
Great to meet you too! I hope your husband enjoys the list. :)Delete
Haha, this was great! I don't think I could get my fiance to understand the differences in my shoes besides "high heels" and "not high heels."ReplyDelete
Hahaha oh this is an excellent post! Very well done!ReplyDelete
Ha ha ha - loved this. I need to have my hubby read it. :)ReplyDelete
Glad you enjoyed it. Husbands do need to learn the signs...Delete
Thanks for this, Connie. My wife has simple shoe taste, but I often hear different kinds of shoes referred to by the ladies at work. Interesting: in the UK, back when I was a kid, "pumps" were type of gym shoe, usually with a light, rubber sole, and made with a tough, canvas fabric. When I hear women talk about "pumps" I know that's not what they mean, but it's the first thing I think of. :)ReplyDelete
Interesting. Shoes names do change a lot--I'm never sure what athletic shoes are currently called. Tennis shoes, Keds, tennies, trainers, sneakers, etc.Delete
Even I don't know all those shoes. I wear pumps with my dress suit, sandals all summer long, and sneakers as a rule. I'm sadly out of fashion.ReplyDelete
I love sneakers, especially the white leather tennis shoes. I'm waiting for them to become fashionable able. I figure another five years.Delete
The part about the Birkenstocks is hilarious. I was a cute flats that matched my outfit kind of gal, until my kids got tired of me complaining about sore feet and dragged me into a shoe store and made me buy a pair of ugly Birks. They are super comfortable as long as I try not to look down very much.ReplyDelete
Elizabeth Hein - Scribbling in the Storage Room
Yeah, Birks are comfortable. Lately, I've been wearing Danskos--comfortable and slightly more fashionable.Delete
Perfect for deja vu. I loved this! My only additions might be boots--in my case ranging from I'll-take-the-dog wellies to over-the-knee-whips-optional hooker-heels.ReplyDelete
Barb, I thought of mentioning "hooker heels," but sometimes my sons and their friends read the blog and I didn't want to embarrass them. :)Delete
Poor husbands .. I wonder if hey have such a catalogue of shoes as we women ...ReplyDelete
Comfort is numero uno for me ...and if they're pretty also this is an added bonus.
Glad you enjoyed it, Susan!Delete
Oh, Connie, I laughed so hard I almost aspirated my coffee. It was the "meanings" of shoe choices that really got me. This, folks, is why her stories are great. :-)ReplyDelete
Laurel, I'm blushing. Thanks for the plug for my novels. :)Delete
Glad you enjoyed the post!
Lol! These are fabulous!!! What a great idea! And you're so right: men haven't a clue about women's shoes! Well done! And I had to laugh at your Birkenstock note: I live in Austin, TX: otherwise known as Birkenstock Central! We have a very large population of old hippies and Birkenstocks are the norm here. According to your comment about Birkenstocks, you'd die here! :) Great repost! Happy Deja Vu weekend!ReplyDelete
Hi Connie .. I have mostly flats now .. I try to have a variety and colours .. so I can change regularly, look tidy, and vaguely match whatever mix of clothing I'm wearing .. however comfortable is the order of the day .. closed for winter, open for a warm summer! Cheers and I don't have a husband to select for me .. takes some of the challenge away ... but the idea of 'sardines' in the dark sounds fun ... better look for a man to play in the dark ... cheers and have a great Christmas season .. HilaryReplyDelete