Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Oops. Breaking Cultural Laws


A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Costco and had a different cashier. She said, “Good morning.” I said, “Where are you from?” I’d heard the distinctive New England twang. Too twangy for Connecticut, not twangy enough for Maine, not hard enough for Boston, and not Rhode Island-y. She was from central Massachusetts. I told her that we moved here from Connecticut. I became her new friend. Every week, I wave and she waves. She tells me about her kids, and I tell her about mine. She gives me a good dousing of New England wit and bite, even if it zings me. It makes me laugh.

Her co-workers don’t laugh. When they interact with her, they give her the steely-eyed gaze. I cringe when I imagine their interactions. New Englanders pride themselves on telling the unvarnished truth, no matter who it hurts. They believe anything else is a lie. Southerners pride themselves on polite kindness, even if it isn’t the truth because you don’t want to “be ugly.” (But you can talk about it to others later, as long as you say, “Bless her/his heart.”)

It’s curious to me, having lived all over the US (Southern and Northern CA, GA, IL, HI, CT, TN) how bound people are by their cultural upbringing. How breaking these cultural values become the great sins. And, of course, it’s true outside of the US. One thing my husband had to get used to was that Dutch culture reveres birthdays. On her birthday, my grandmother sits next to the phone all day with a pad of paper and pen in hand. When you call to wish her a happy birthday, she will let you know that you are caller #16 or whatever. Then she will proceed to tell you who has called. And heaven forbid you should forget to call, which is why I listen to my grandmother read the list of everyone who has called her and then call to remind those who haven’t called to call before the day is over.

And then there’s the kissing thing. Dutch relatives kiss each other on the lips, regardless of sex or age. I made the mistake of doing this to my father-in-law by accident. Not good. And very hard to explain your way out of. Then there was my husband’s experience with my relatives’ kisses. He learned to wait to the last second to turn his face, so the kiss would end up on the cheek. And then there was my Chinese sister-in-law, who I thought would have cardiac arrest, when my uncle came at her for a kiss. I learned to stand next to her and do kiss-interception.

What weird cultural/ethnic oddities did you grow up with? Or which ones have you broken by mistake in a new culture? And what was the response? I’ve had people back away slowly as if I was a time bomb waiting to explode.


N.B. For those of you waiting for Screwing Up Time for Nook, it’s still not available. Once again, Barnes & Noble PubIt employees have not come through on their promises. So I have to call them again. Heavy sigh. 

13 comments:

  1. The Dutch birthday one sounds eerily like one we have at our own house, it has become a sport to try to be wisher #1. As for actual cultural problems, I once asked my British sister-in-law if she wanted a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. She sat shocked for a few seconds, as in Britain "jelly" is the word they use for shampoo. Not a cultural more thing though, haven't encountered one of those yet.

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  2. Of course, New Englanders aren't always so good about HEARING the unvarnished truth shot back at them ... and heaven forbid you disagree with something they say. Or, as my sister-in-law put it to us recently, "I really hope you weren't offended by my criticism of how you're raising your kids. I stand by everything I said, but I don't want you to be upset by it." Um, yeah.

    I come from a funny blend of New England, Canadian, and farming culture (which really does have its own rules, even if it isn't bound by geography), with a French strain running through my father's side which colors everything we do. I'm not sure exactly where I'd fit well, but I know for certain that I could never belong in the south!

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  3. Living is so many different areas of the USA and having so many connections to different ethnic and culture traditions must give you a very large pool of experience to write from, right?

    We hot-blooded-scottish-barbarians-from-yon-fiery-hills-ugh-ugh-fear-our-name-and-tremble are penny pinchers when you get down to it, and it is always hilarious to see my dear dad troubled over a pack of ramen that is two cents more expensive than usually, or when he compulsively sorts his coupons and watches the deals at all the stores day by day. (Bless his soul and all those southern niceties.)

    Not that I can laugh all that much; I'm the exact same way...!

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  4. The Dutch not only congratulate the birthday person but also the family of the birthday person. So if it is my birthday my husband will also be congratulated on my birthday and my children could be also.

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  5. Yep, Margaret, you're right. Calvin still hasn't gotten used to "Congratulations on the birthday of your wife." Of course, it's said in Dutch, so it doesn't mean anything to him anyway.

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  6. Oh, I love this post! How interesting.

    The easiest one I can think off the top of my head is taking my shoes off before I go into someone's house. That's an Asian thing. So I always do it. Plus, it just seems so dirty otherwise. I don't want to track dirt onto your nice carpet and pristine floors!

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  7. Krispy,

    I learned to do that in Hawaii. Our whole family does it now. Keeps floors cleaner. But in the winter, I have to make sure that my socks don't have holes. :)

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  8. What an interesting post! With a father from Scotland and my mother's side decidedly German, I was raised in MD to be a very competitive card player, especially at Pinochle. Which DID NOT PLAY well with either my hubby or with our Southern friends here in GA. So I learned to stop counting cards and just have fun.

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  9. It's so cool to hear about the cultural differences you grew up with! I've lived in different places, and visited a couple of different countries, and it's always so interesting to see the differences in people and cultures and upbringings.

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  10. OH! I've always wondered where our kissing heritage comes from... Afrikaans people also smack a kiss on the mouth.

    :-D

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  11. How long do you have? One weird thing here is waiting to drink your cocktail until everybody has their drink in hand...at a cocktail party. Um, yeah, just a few looks like "oh, she's American, she doesn't get it."

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  12. I love noticing these differences...I'm a wholehearted passive Midwesterner, and I consider myself a boat-shaker becauase I'll throw out a disagreement littered with "I think's" and apologies for disagreeing! And I love the Southern line of thinking "We're nice ladies, we don't pick fights. We wait until the person leaves and then talk about him/her." :P

    My paternal grandmother was a lip-kisser. We always blamed it on an age thing, but waaaaay back in her lineage, she is Dutch... :P

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  13. Kiss-interception! Love that. Can't think of any oddities I grew up with, but I can think of oddities (or nuisances) I've found in this area of the country: drivers treating the fast lane like it was the slow lane, taking left-hand turns much much too close to the front of your car as you wait at a red light and the use of 'please?' instead of 'what?' or 'excuse me?'

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