Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Autumnal Conspiracies

How do I know that autumn’s here?  (Okay, it’s November, but I live in Tennessee so fall comes late.)  Is it the apple cider that’s mulling on the stove? Is it the leaves that are going from green to crimson? Is it the leaf mold that makes us sneeze 24 hours a day?

No. It’s none of those things. I know it’s autumn because I need two wardrobes.  In the mornings, I need an undershirt, long-sleeve shirt, wool sweater, jeans, and warm socks.  By afternoon, I need a pair of shorts and a tank top.

It freezes during the night and hits the 70s or 80s in the afternoon.  Why is that?  I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation that has something to do with wind patterns and the seasonal movements of the earth around the sun, but that’s hogwash.  I’m pretty sure it’s caused by an under-the-table deal between the detergent companies and the clothing manufacturers.  (Kind of like the deal between greeting card manufacturers and the postal service, which created holidays like Secretary’s Day and National Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day. Yes, that’s a real day with real cards.)

Anyway, the temperature swings are clearly a result of weather altering satellites owned by Proctor and Gamble and the Gap. In a bid to make up lost revenue due to the recession, they’ve messed with the weather and engineered these multiple clothing changes. Instead of tossing shorts and tank top in the wash, I also have to wash jeans, an undershirt, a tee-shirt and heavy socks.  Now multiply this by the six people in the house. (thankfully, we have only one girl or you could be multiplying this by twelve to include outfits that were tried on and discarded).  Yep, that’s a lot of laundry.

So I’m going through lots of detergent. (BTW, in an effort to save money and not pay for any more satellites purchased by P&G, I bought the Costco version of Tide.  Don’t do it.  It doesn’t dissolve properly, even in warm water, and leaves little bits of detergent on your clothes.)  However, I’ve outsmarted Gap as well as Target and Kohls, who are no doubt involved in this conspiracy, by buying at a thrift store, sewing, and remaking hand-me-downs.

Thankfully, winter’s just around the corner, although then I’ll have to face the gas company/heating oil conspiracy. I have no idea how to get around that.  Last winter, I tried turning the heater down very low. But when the kids “saw” their breath, mutinous rumors abounded. Their eagle eyes have already been watching the thermostat. I must come up with new ways to thwart the heating company. Or my kids.  Hmm. The heating company is easier.

N.B. For some reason, Blogger insists on putting my final paragraphs in a different font.  What's up with that? I've tried every remedy.  It must be a Microsoft/Blogger conspiracy formulated by the computer imps who really run the companies.


  1. I'm tellin' ya. Conspiracies are everywhere....

  2. They may call us paranoid, but we know better! We'll show them! We'll show them all! You are even more vigilant than I, I must try harder to catch those horrible conspirators!

  3. I'm in NC Connie and we have exactly the same weather. Heat in the AM and A/C in the PM. This weekend it is supposed to be a high of 66 both days so it should be an awesome time to be outside. I love TN too since we spent our honeymoon in Gatlinburg back in 04.

  4. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't really after you...

    I guess it's a good thing I love being chilly in the mornings. 40-50s in the mornings and 70s in the afternoon. It helps that we don't get humidity zappage by the ocean. For the most part, the midwest is a good place to live.

  5. Ha ha! Too bad you aren't an invalid because then you could just lie around in your pajamas all day! Pajamas are magical and are always at a perfect temperature. Then you would never have to do any laundry!

  6. Yeah, Duncan, I think you're right. Pajamas are magical-especially fuzzy flannel ones.

  7. Conspiracies are everywhere. You just have to realize it.