Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Death of GI Joes

Calvin was gone for nine days on a trip. (Ariel thinks it’s important to note that I get through these extended absences through the use of blended adult beverages. But this post is not about me.) Instead, it’s about Jez. She was heartbroken that Cal was gone.

Jezebel sat by the door waiting for him to come home. (Have you ever since the movie, Return to Me, where the dog sits by the door waiting for the dead woman to come home? Well, it was just like that.) She’d glance at me with her sad black eyes and a quizzical look that said, “Where is he? Has he abandoned us?”

Of course, her grief wasn’t confined to sad eyes. She also refused to eat. In case you’ve never had a Lab, they never, ever refuse food. They live to eat and retrieve.

At some point, she decided it must be our fault. Her doggie mind reasoned that we must have chased him away. So, she punished us by being heinous. She chewed Matt’s GI Joes—now they’re only good for playing “the wounded.”

Since Cal was “dead”, she figured the pack leadership was up-for-grabs. She began to randomly chase after Ariel and chew her arm. To prove her alpha capabilities, she wanted to show that she’d protect us well—so she began barking at…fireflies. Yeah, they’re really scary and dangerous.

Just before Jez drove us crazy, Cal came home. Jez was giddy. She followed him everywhere, so closely that her nose was against his knee at all times. When she bothered to look at the rest of us her eyes said, “Yeah, it’s me and the master. We’re good. We’re in control. Yep, it’s the master and me.” Our response is “Whatever, Jez.” We’re just happy that Matt’s no longer yelling, “Jezebel ate another GI Joe!”

BTW, thanks, everyone, for your concern about Mr. I. He did call again, and I gave him a dose of the bo’sun’s whistle. (Matt was extremely jealous.) He tried one more time during the middle of the night, but I don’t answer the phone between 11pm and 7am. And he wasn’t too interested in the answering machine.


  1. Ouch... Poor Ariel. That must've hurt.

  2. Mwa Ha Ha Ha!!!! Jez chewed up Ariel!

  3. At least she didn't try to eat Zeus again, he was already too far gone. Man, I had never laughed so hard in my life!

    Grace Duke

  4. Actually, I've just figured out that Mr. I is actually connected to Jezebel, communicating with her through morse code via doggie whistle so that no human ears can detect it. Pretty clever, no? Sounds like the solution to some murder mystery.

  5. Hmm, maybe that's it Duncan.