Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Really Big Fan

I understand the purpose of honey bees—they make honey. Yum, especially delicious in a tisane sipped on a summer’s night watching fireflies. You see, I even understand the purpose of fireflies from an aesthetic point of view.

Of course, I have to watch the fireflies from inside the house. Why? Mosquitoes. What is the point of mosquitoes? They seem to exist only to spread disease and misery. I will not expatiate on the vileness of the winged insect. I don’t need to because everyone knows how heinous they are. Other than providing food for bats, which is not something to be scoffed at since bats are cool, I can’t see a reason for the existence of mosquitoes. I suspect that they are a result of the curse. When I read between the lines of Genesis 3, I’m sure it’s implied, “and mosquitoes shall bite the tar out of you.” But, that’s not quite true. They bite the tar out of me, not out of Calvin. He can sit outside on the deck for hours during the cool of the day, and they avoid him. If I venture outside an alert goes out to every mosquito in a ten mile radius. It’s like tornado early warning signals or the tsunami sirens I heard growing up in Hawaii. That reminds me, Hawaii doesn’t have mosquitoes. They have heat and humidity, but they also have tradewinds. All the blood-sucking vampire bugs get blown out to sea and die.

What we need is a giant fan. Instead of spending our money on DEET-containing products that probably lead to cancer of various body parts, we could pool our funds and install a giant fan on Missionary Ridge. We could blow the mosquitoes down to Georgia. Or better yet, install a couple of fans and blow the bugs down to Alabama—I don’t have any friends in Alabama.

I’m accepting donations to the Really Big Fan Project. Maybe I could get government funding—no doubt this would qualify under the stimulus plan. Heck, if they can bail out banks, car companies, and maybe the state of California, then I think the Really Big Fan Project should be able to rake in the cash.


  1. That would be fairly expensive.

  2. um, yeah, and what what about the few neighborly chihuawas? I just read a story about one going missing in the wind.

    Seriously, though. I have *huge* red welts on my arms from those suckers (pun intended).

    We call our Grandparents dock, Itchy-Island-Home-of-the-Nuclear-Mesquitoes. BUT, they did get a "mesquito-magnet". I am not sure how it works exactly, but it seems to keep them at bay.....for now....

    Grace Duke

  3. Isn't "Ichy-Island-Home-of-the-Nuclear-Mesquitoes" a quote from "Calvin and Hobbes"?
    A Chihuahua missing in the wind? that is too funny.

  4. Well, I have to say mosquitoes rarely bite me. But I do understand how you feel because many in my family have the same problem so maybe it would be good to all chip in for a big fan. Not positive it will work though...I think only changing your type of blood would possibly help, if that :)


  5. Wait... Wasn't it only the man who got cursed with the "Mosquitoes-Shall-Bite-The-Tar-Out-Of-You" Curse, not the woman in Genesis? Something is odd here...

    Yeah, I've also heard about the dogs getting blown away by the wind. Pretty funny.

  6. No Andrew, the Mosquito curse is part of the women's curse and can be found directly in between "With great pain you will beget children" and "Your children will not stop asking you if they can play Wii."

  7. "Mosquitos shall bite the tar out of you." Hmm... it sounds like someone is quoting from "The Living Bible." Mom, really, you should just stick to New King James or ESV. ;)

  8. If it was the Living Bible, Genesis would end "Sincerely, Moses the Ten Commandments Dude."