Lost is lost

Let me start by saying I’m not a Lost fanatic, I’m not even a Lost fan. Though I did watch it over several years, until last year I got fed up with Ben and his encounter with the black smoke, which found him “Not Guilty.” Personally, I couldn’t think of anything that he was “not guilty” of. Have you murdered someone? Check. Have you tortured people? Check. Have you gotten your daughter murdered? Check again.

But a friend convinced me to watch the final episode last year. So I did. And then, I had to see what happened the final season. After all, maybe the writers could make it all work out in the end.

So Saturday I decided to stream the most recent episode of Lost. Normally, we watch Columbo, and I nap—I’m not excited by detective shows where you already know who committed the crime and how.

When the show started, Cal said, “Hey, is this Columbo goes to the island?” And it occurred to me that Columbo could solve the problems on Lost if we shipped him there. All he needs is a plane crash—I’m sure the island is calling him. Maybe we could put some other experts on the plane too.

Imagine:

Columbo: So Locke you were crippled and then you could walk?

Locke: It is the power of the island.

C: Right. Uh, huh. And I heard you were dead and now you’re alive?

Locke: It is the great and powerful Oz, no, I mean island.

C: Yeah, I got that. Thanks. Oh, wait, one more question. How’s that possession by the black smoke going for you?

Or what about some therapist like Dr. Phil (actually I’ve never watched him so bear with me.)

Dr. Phil: Kate honey, you got to decide between Jack and Sawyer. You’re one of those girls who loves the bad boy, but can’t stay away from the emotionally stunted Jack, who’s really an amazing spinal surgeon and the half-brother of Claire who’s “alive” again.

Kate: You know, I think it all stems from the murder.

Dr. Phil: Of your step-father?

Kate: Uh huh.

Dr. Phil: You’re trying to make peace with your step-dad by chasing two different men.

Kate: Absolutely. Besides I have to track someone and run from someone—two guys works for me.

Dr. Phil: Sweetheart, you can’t be going from one man to the other and back again—it gets confusing. Besides Sawyer has Juliet. Oh, wait, she’s dead. At least, she is for a couple more episodes before she comes back as part of Claire’s posse of black-smoke-possessed-female-forest-survivors-a-la-Rousseau.

Kate: Could I do that?

Maybe we could hire a nuclear physicist for the show (Oh, wait, they’ve already had two. But this time we’ll get them one who has not lost his marbles—sorry, pun intended.)

Physicist: Jack, you’re a man of science, are you telling me that you really believe that a nuclear explosion is going to turn back time so that you can have an alternate reality?

Jack: Well, sure. It happened. I think. Although it’s not totally clear.

Physicist: And you survived the nuclear explosion at ground zero?

Jack: Yep. It bothered my ears a bit though.

Physicist: Let me get out your prescription pad.

What about you? Can you think of some experts who might help sort out the issues on Lost?