Wednesday, December 8, 2010

World Domination

I don’t know if every male ever born wants to dominate the world, but ours do.  Luke and Jacob were discussing it this morning, arguing the finer points of Medieval Total War 2.  I’d been only vaguely aware of this game before, hearing the occasional shouts of “Yes, holy Kaiser, it will be done!” come out of the computer speakers.  Apparently, the point of the game is to take over the known world during the Middle Ages.  And you play a German king. (I could speculate on the reasons why, but I’ll let you do that on your own.) Anyway, Jacob has taken over the world and owns everything from France to Kiev.  He was sharing his strategy with Luke.  When Jake starts the game, he uses his army to take over a couple of countries. Then he taxes them, and not just normal levies.  No. Jacob employs the heavy-handed dress-your-serfs-in-rags kind of taxes.

Luke was radically opposed to this kind of taxation.  He believes in benevolent dictatorship.  And Luke argued that it makes the citizens less likely to rebel. Jacob countered that by insisting that it takes the conquered peoples a long time to rebel because they’re so poor.  And when they do begin to rebel, he just lowers the taxes.  At which point, they adore him for listening to their needs.  And he still gets lots of money because the taxes are much higher than what they were before he took over—but now they’re grateful to him to pay the exorbitant rates.

I asked Jacob what happens in the game now that he rules the world.  He said that Timar the Lame and the Timarids were attacking him.  So he’s sending his crack troops, the Imperial Knights to wipe them out.  I asked him if the knights had a name.  He told me, “The Forlorn Hope.”  Apparently, these troops are condemned prisoners whom Jake gave a second chance for life if they’d fight for him.  He said they’re amazing and wiped the Mongols off the map.  Oh, right.

I asked him what other enemies he had in the game.  He told me that the Pope was a problem because Jake had taken over the Papal states, and the Pope got angry.  So the Pope excommunicated him.  “But it’s okay,” Jake said, “because I assassinated him. Then I set up one of my own cardinals as Pope.”  The new Pope says, “(Jake’s) piety is an inspiration to all peoples.” Hmm... Don’t worry, I’ll make sure this child does not major in Political Science or read Machiavelli’s The Prince.  The world’s a much safer place if Jake’s an electrical engineer.

12 comments:

  1. Yagh! Scary goings on!
    Well, Josh wants to turn all of Russia into a giant paintball field....

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  2. My husband loves Age of Empires, which also has the "take over the world" theme. He's tried to get me to play. I've thus far resisted.

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  3. Rowenna-

    I've played Age of Empires. It's actually kind of fun--especially if you decide to win by building a Wonder of the World. My guys think that's a "girly" way to win. But, hey, I'm a girl.

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  4. I don't play games. It is my absolute intention to take over the world, starting with France - the reason I'm here. ***insert evil laugh***

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  5. Instead of taxing my citizens oppressively, I prefer to invest in improved farmland, mining, and trade. Jacob doesn't like this because it involves monetary investment.

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  6. Is it any wonder why I always have good levels of loyalty?

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  7. I'm not quite sure.. It's still quite possible to achieve world domination as an electrical engineer, and probably even more so.

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  8. With skills as an Electrical Engineer, Jake could design an army of evil, killer robots! Don't let him be an Electrical Engineer!

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  9. @Luke, Jacob is showing more Boingo streaks lately.

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  10. Actually, you don't have to play as the Holy Roman Empire, it just happens that Jacob and I are both playing as the Holy Roman Empire.

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  11. Next time, you should both play as barbarians. Barbarians are the coolest.

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  12. Ok, so...what is so wrong with dominating the world, forcing poverty upon your loyal subjects, and assassinating the Pope (he is annoying anyhow)?
    Furthermore, Russia would make a great paintball field.
    All that snow...

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